There are things that happen in this world that I
truly do not understand - things that make me question my faith and my God.
I just returned from the visitation for a young
man. A young man who is well loved and well thought of by hundreds of people. I hugged parents of this young man who are
experiencing a pain so numbing at the same time raw and I had no clue what to
say. What do you say? There are no
words. Parents are not meant to outlive their children. What came out of my
mouth? “What great kids you have. I am so, so sorry.” I don’t know if that was
right or wrong but it was from my broken heart. I hugged the twin sister of
this young man knowing that she most probably lost not only her brother but
also her best friend.
Earlier this week this
young man took his own life. I don't pretend to know the circumstances
surrounding this choice. I can’t help but think of suicide as less about
wanting to end ones life and more about wanting to end some sort of pain - a
pain that is unbearable. A pain that seems impossible to escape from. A pain
and agony with a depth that I cannot begin to comprehend. Holy
cow but the most painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said and never
explained! He was a great kid.
Why. Why. Why.
I've been touched
many times by suicide in my 47 years – so many that I’ve lost count. People
that attended high school with me, people from my hometown, siblings of friends,
siblings of former students and most recently a former student. I can’t imagine
a pain so great and deep that I would desire to end it all. I don’t understand
but I SO want to! Suicide is so tragic and it scares me so much - certainly as
a teacher but most deeply as a parent. What I feel mostly is helpless. Helpless
and ill equipped to notice the signs and symptoms. Can you love someone away
from the decision? It scares me that so many times so many things are left
unsaid. Did I tell them I loved them often enough? Did I not only say it but
show it as well? Was it in the form that they longed to see, hear, or feel it? Did
I let them know that they are loved and cherished more than they will ever know
by the One that died to know them? (Romans5:8) Did I tell them that the pain
that they’ve been feeling cannot compare to the joy that is coming? (Romans
8:18) Did I notice their sadness and depression and seek to understand it or
was I too busy and wrapped up in my own life and “stuff” that I missed their
pain?
I may be ill equipped
to deal and to love the pain out of someone, but God is not. I find comfort in His arms and in His word. I hope I point to Him enough. I love my kids - the ones I birthed and the ones I've taught. Tonight was hard but my God is BIG. So until I meet my
Savior face-to-face and can ask Him “Why?”
I will continue to look Upward knowing that He has a plan.
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