I miss them so much, my babies. My eyes well up with tears at the memories of their tan legs and sun-bleached hair, the smell of chlorine on their skin.
I long to hold them in my lap and snuggle their necks.
I want to hear them bicker and giggle and beg me to tuck them in with kisses and stories and prayers.
I miss my babies.
Seriously. Where does the time go? I blinked and fast forward 13 years. Holy cow what a beautiful life we've created - those cute little ones have morphed into gorgeous adult children. And still, I miss them.
The oldest two will likely never live at home full-time again and I can't wrap my mind around that fact, let alone my heart. They don't need me to the extent that they used to and that is a hard pill to swallow. I am thrilled that they are finding their own paths in this big, scary world - that realization makes me proud - but it also saddens me. Will they ever truly "need" me again? I am terrified of losing that contact - that closeness. I feel it already as my oldest spends more and more time traveling East and less time traveling West. I love that he has found love. I do. I simply adore the girl he loves. But my heart aches as the inevitable splitting of time between two families becomes more and more evident. Where will we end up fitting in? What does all of this mean for TeamMeans?
I want them to know that we've done the best we knew how - their dad and I. We've had some amazing examples in the lives of our own parents and grandparents. I have very few regrets but long for many "re-dos" - if for no other reason but to memorize each and every second and burn them into my consciousness. I would LOVE to relive and video tape it all. Every last second. The good and the not so good. Just ALL.
Did we love them completely enough to ward of the loneliness of time spent alone as young adults? Will they grow to cherish times spent alone, or will they feel compelled to fill the time with busyness and activities? Did we show them kindness often enough to teach them to love other unconditionally? Did we offer examples of caring for others often enough to encourage them to live their lives in service to others? I know they are strong. I know they are kind. THEY know they are loved. It's all good.
We're about to embark on the senior year of child #3 and I'm scared. Quite frankly scared shitless. There. I said it.
I had no problem turning 30; him turning 6 and going to school; turning 40 - NONE of that has bothered me - those milestones are blessings. BUT. I quite frankly am dreading this year of lasts. Last "first day." Last football season. Last Homecoming. Last basketball game. Last track season. Last Prom. Last "last day." Because these things are not just HIS last, but mine as a mom as well. HE is my last. HE is my baby. What will I do? What does my role become as "Mom?"
I guess I need to think of this year as not the "last" but as the "first" - the first year that I will just be "Dana" again. Jon and I will discover our new "normal" and it will be a good thing. Our kids are thriving. They survived us! We had NO idea what we were doing all these years and they've turned out pretty okay! WE survived THEM!
These tears I've cried (and continue to cry) have never been tears of sadness or regret but tears of joy at remembering. Yes, we made mistakes, but I'm fairly confident that all parents make mistakes. I am pretty sure our kids know that they are loved - not just by us, but more importantly by God. And that they are adored and cherished as members of TeamMeans. Things will never be the same but that can surely be a good thing. They have grown. WE have grown.
TeamMeans will evolve. TeamMeans will always 'be'. It's all good. We've got this. Most importantly - God's got this. He'll never let us down and he'll never let us go.
